【观点】真正拖垮一个人的是：习惯性反驳

每个人都有“反驳的义务”，这是全球顶级咨询公司麦肯锡，对所有员工的行为要求，即对于自己不认同的看法和意见，明确表达出自己的想法并提出反驳。麦肯锡认为，不同的意见充分交锋碰撞时，更容易出现深刻、全面、有效的创意和思路。

但现实中不少人却没有接受别人反驳的雅量，但凡有人对自己提出一点不同意见，就会像一只好斗的公鸡，发起自己条件反射式的“反驳”。K哥之前有位同事就是这样，他的学历、背景都不错，曾经被我当成重点培养的对象，但后来发现他一个致命的弱点，就是不能听取别人意见，太喜欢反驳了，他的一句口头语是“你不懂我意思”，不管跟上级还是其他同事说话，直接不同意他的观点，永远都是这句“你不懂我意思”开头，然后巴拉巴拉各种解释，根本不容别人插话。CXO UNION-CXO联盟（cxounion.cn）

这个缺陷太致命了，虽然他的底子不错，但几乎看不到成长，和他一起进公司的人都能独当一面了，他还沉迷于和别人争论、抬杠。每次考核，周围同事对他的评价也都很低。K哥中间找他谈过几次，本想让他改正一下，但每次又都是被他的“你不懂我意思”给“反弹”回来。K哥后来没办法，就让他离开了。据说他后来接连去了好几家公司，都没有待太长，后来就没人关注他的去向了。他的职场道路之所以如此“坎坷”，K哥觉得和他接受不了别人意见，习惯性反驳的习惯，有着莫大关系。

一、一个人“习惯性反驳” 的原因是什么？

这种习惯性反驳是怎么形成的呢？

1、自大心理，缺乏空杯心态

有些人对自己认识不清，总认为自己的经验、能力，别人无法相比；自己的高度和思路，别人也很难一下子get到，所以习惯性把别人的意见和不同观点，当成对自己的误会和不理解。永远都是一副“我懂的多，你知道啥”的态度，缺乏空杯心态，对待所有的意见，都缺乏容纳的“雅量”。杯满则溢，月盈则缺，于是机械性驳斥，成了这一类人“溢”的重要表现。CXO UNION-CXO联盟（cxounion.cn）

2、防卫式自卑心理

行为科学奠基人阿基里斯，曾经说过：“习惯性防卫的根源是惧怕暴露出我们想法背后的思维。防卫性的心理，使我们失去检讨自己想法背后的思维是否正确的机会。对多数人而言，暴露自己心中真正的想法是一种威胁，因为我们害怕别人会发现它的错误。”

而习惯性反驳则是“防卫”的典型表现，其背后藏着的是不易察觉的自卑心理，比如有人说一句，“你方案的最后部分还需要再优化一下”，防卫型心理的人马上就会觉得，对方是在否定自己，是在指责自己没有能力，甚至轻视自己。瞬间引起的一系列联想，立马触发了自己的反驳模式，轻则为自己解释，重则否定对方作为报复。从心理学的角度来看，这种行为其实是为了缓解自身焦虑和不安的应激反应。CXO UNION-CXO联盟（cxounion.cn）

3、过早形成“低层次的思维闭环”

过早形成低层次思维闭环，是阻碍一个人进步提升的重大障碍。因为对深陷其中的人来说，碰到的所有问题在他的逻辑闭环之中，都是可以解释的。并乐于沉溺在这种逻辑的完整性和固化的认知里。至于这种逻辑是不是有bug，具不具备现实意义，他是不在意、也不自知的。不光自己无法打破自己的逻辑闭环，还会对外部一些“捅破窗户纸”的言论、意见非常排斥，习惯性反驳也就成了他维护自身闭环合理性的重要手段。

4、心理学的“逆火效应”

当人们遇上与自身信念抵触的观点或证据时，除非它们足以完全摧毁原信念，否则这些会被忽视或被反驳，原信念反而会更加强化，这就是心理学上的逆火效应。

大家经常看到类似的新闻，说某地某人被骗子忽悠，非要给骗子打钱，家人、银行的人甚至是警察来了都拦不住。给他们讲其中的道理，他们还能各种反驳，振振有词。还有老年人相信各种所谓保健品，不惜花高价入手，即使子女再劝都不管用。这些看似难以理解的现象，其实就是“逆火效应”在作祟。

简单点说，反驳的欲望，是人的一种本能欲望。只是他的强烈程度，因人而异，和认知、经验、时空环境等有密切关系。CXO UNION-CXO联盟（cxounion.cn）

二、反驳是本能，反省是能力

富兰克林曾说：“如果你辩论、反驳，或许你会得到胜利，可那胜利是短暂、空虚的……你永远得不到对方给你的好感。” 就像“逆火理论”所反映的那样，如果说反驳是人类的本能，那么反省则是人更高级的能力。当我们受到批评，或别人观点与自己不一致的时候，正确的打开方式，不是摆出一副“斗鸡”的姿态，而是应该更多思考，别人的话是不是有道理，对自己是不是有帮助。有时候不同的声音，才是让自己进步的能量。

通用汽车传奇CEO艾尔弗雷德·斯隆，在主持会议时，从来反感一面倒的声音，不出现观点交锋的场面，他的会议是不会终止的。“在没有出现不同意见之前，我不会做出任何重大决策”，这句经典名言，充分反映了斯隆对不同声音、不同观点的重视和渴望。

心理学上曾把人分为弱势价值观和强势价值观两类。前者遇事首先想到的是“凭什么？”，比如，你凭什么给我提意见？你凭什么觉得我不好？而后者遇到问题则会问自己“为什么？”，会思考自己之所以被提意见是哪里做的不够好，如何才能做的更好。CXO UNION-CXO联盟（cxounion.cn）

很明显，拥有“强势价值观”的人，面对问题是反省、剖析、改变、解决的心态。而“弱势价值观”的人，则是抱怨、责骂、过激的心态。一种是有利于自我提升，一种只会造成自我消耗，孰优孰劣，高下立判。

三、如何做到自省？

如何才能做到自省而不是沉溺于反驳的无意义消耗中。可以从以下几个角度开始做起：

1，向内归因，成长型思维

心理学上有一个效应叫 “费斯汀格法则”，它指出生活中的10%，是由发生在你身上的事情组成，而另外的90%，则是由你对所发生的事情如何反应所决定。这一法则充分反映了心态对生活的重要意义。

凡事喜欢向外归因，不知自省的人，心里总是充满了愤懑和抱怨，而这些负面情绪，会极大限制他的提升，只会让自己陷入越来越糟的恶性循环。而懂得向内归因，懂得从自身找原因，才是真正意义上的成长型思维，才会让自己变得越来越完善，越来越强大。CXO UNION-CXO联盟（cxounion.cn）

2，学会倾听

学会倾听，是一个社会人应当具备的基本技能和社交态度。它不仅让说话者感受到了被尊重和被认可，也可以从别人的观点或意见中，认清自己的优劣，找到自己的不足。但阻止我们成为一名好的倾听者的，是我们内心的偏见，不必要的情绪化和不舍得“放下”的自己。只有摈弃这些，打开自己，才能真正打开耳朵，听到更丰富更有意义的声音。

3，空杯心态

空杯心态同样是心理学上的名词，是说要想不断进步，先要把自己变成成“一个空的杯子”，而不是长期处于“自满”的状态，这样的话，是装不进任何新东西的。空杯心态不是否定过去，而是要心怀放空、放下的态度，面对新事物，适应新环境，获取新知识。不然，即使自己有些料，也难有大的发展，林则徐所说“心高气傲，博学无益”，正是这个意思。CXO UNION-CXO联盟（cxounion.cn）

对不同意见，习惯性做出否定的思维，又被称为“红灯思维”，如果我们在行驶的路上不愿意被红灯拦停一样，我们的思维也要脱离“习惯性反驳，不赞成就杠”的严重局限性，兼听则明，摆脱故步自封，才能让我们有真正意义的进步和提升。

翻译：

What really wears a person down is this: the habit of contradicting

Everyone has a “duty of refutation”, which is the behavior of the world’s top consulting firm McKinsey, for all employees, that is, for the views and opinions they disagree with, clearly express their thoughts and refute. McKinsey believes that deep, comprehensive, and effective ideas and ideas are more likely to emerge when different opinions are fully clashed.

But in reality, many people do not accept the generosity of others to refute, as long as someone puts forward a little different opinion on their own, they will be like an aggressive rooster, and launch their own reflexive “refute”. Brother K had a colleague like this before, his education and background are good, I used to focus on the object of training, but later found that his one fatal weakness is that he can not listen to others’ opinions, too like to refute, one of his catchphrases is “you don’t understand my meaning”, whether talking to superiors or other colleagues, directly disagree with his views. It always starts with the phrase “you don’t understand me”, and then bala Bala explains it in a variety of ways, allowing no one to interrupt.CXO UNION-CXO联盟（cxounion.cn）

This defect is too fatal

This defect is too fatal, although his foundation is good, but can hardly see growth, and the people who enter the company with him can be on their own, he is also addicted to arguing with others. Every time he was evaluated, his colleagues around him were also very low. Brother K talked to him several times in the middle, and wanted him to correct it, but each time he was “bounced” back by his “you don’t understand me.” Brother K had no choice but to let him leave. It is said that he later went to several companies in succession, but did not stay long, and then no one paid attention to his whereabouts. The reason why his workplace road is so “bumpy” is that Brother K feels that he can not accept the opinions of others and the habit of habitual refutation has a great relationship.

What is the reason for a person’s “habitual refutation”?

How did this habitual rebuttal come about?

1. Arrogant psychology, lack of empty cup mentality

Some people do not know themselves clearly, always think that their own experience, ability, others can not compare; It is difficult for others to get their own height and ideas at once, so they habitually regard others’ opinions and different views as misunderstandings and incomprehension of their own. It is always a “I know more, you know what” attitude, lack of empty cup mentality, treat all opinions, lack of tolerance. The cup is full, and the moon is full, so the mechanical refutation has become an important manifestation of this type of person’s “overflow”.

2. Defensive inferiority complex

Achilles, the founder of behavioral science, once said, “The root of habitual defense is the fear of revealing the thinking behind our thoughts.” Defensive psychology makes us lose the opportunity to examine whether the thinking behind our thoughts is correct. For most of us, revealing what we really think is a threat because we’re afraid others will find it wrong.”

The habitual refutation is a typical manifestation of “defense”, and behind it is a subtle inferiority complex, such as someone said, “the last part of your plan needs to be optimized”, people with defensive psychology will immediately feel that the other side is denying themselves, accusing themselves of being incapable, and even belittling themselves. A series of associations caused by the moment immediately triggered their own refutation mode, light to explain for themselves, heavy to negate the other side as revenge. From a psychological point of view, this behavior is actually to relieve their own anxiety and anxiety stress response.CXO UNION-CXO联盟（cxounion.cn）

3. Early formation of “low-level thinking loop”

Forming a low level thinking closed-loop too early is a major obstacle to a person’s progress and improvement. Because for those who are deeply involved, all the problems they encounter are explainable in the closed loop of their logic. And happy to indulge in this logical integrity and solidified knowledge. As to whether this logic has bugs, whether it has practical significance, he does not care and does not know. Not only can he not break his own logic closed loop, but he will also reject some external “breaking the window” statements and opinions, and habitual refutation has become an important means for him to maintain his own closed-loop rationality.

4. Psychology’s “backfire effect”

When people encounter ideas or evidence that contradict their beliefs, unless they are sufficient to completely destroy the original belief, these will be ignored or refuted, and the original belief will be strengthened, which is the backfire effect in psychology.

We often see similar news, that someone somewhere is fooled by a liar, to give money to the liar, family, bank people and even the police can not stop. Tell them the truth, and they can refute it in a variety of ways. There are also elderly people who believe in all kinds of so-called health care products and buy them at high prices, even if their children are advised again. These seemingly difficult to understand the phenomenon, in fact, is the “backfire effect” at work.

To put it simply, the desire to refute is an instinctive desire of human beings. However, his intensity varies from person to person, and is closely related to cognition, experience, time and space environment.CXO UNION-CXO联盟（cxounion.cn）

Refutation is instinct, reflection is ability

Franklin once said, “If you argue and refute, perhaps you will win, but the victory will be short and empty… You never get the good feeling from the other person.” As the “backfire theory” reflects, if refutation is the human instinct, then reflection is a higher human ability. When we are criticized, or other people’s views are not consistent with their own, the right way to open, not to put on a “cockfighting” posture, but should think more about whether other people’s words are reasonable and helpful to themselves. Sometimes different voices are the energy to make progress.

Alfred Sloan, the legendary CEO of General Motors, never resented one-sided voices when he presided over meetings, and his meetings would not end without a confrontation of views. “I will not make any major decision until there is no dissenting opinion”. This classic saying fully reflects Sloan’s importance and desire for different voices and different opinions.

Psychology has divided people into two categories: weak values and strong values. The first thing that comes to the former’s mind is “Why?” Like, who are you to give me advice? What makes you think I’m bad? The latter, on the other hand, will ask themselves “Why?” I will think about what I did not do well enough and how I can do it better.CXO UNION-CXO联盟（cxounion.cn）

It is obvious that people with “strong values” have a mentality of introspection, analysis, change and solution in the face of problems. People with “weak values” are complaining, scolding, and extreme mentality. One is conducive to self-improvement, and the other will only cause self-consumption, which is better and worse, and which is superior.

How to do introspection?

How to be introspective instead of indulging in the pointless consumption of refutation. You can start from the following angles:CXO UNION-CXO联盟（cxounion.cn）

1. Inward attribution, growth thinking

There’s an effect in psychology called Festinger’s Law, which states that 10 percent of your life is made up of what happens to you. And the other 90 percent is how you react to what happens to you. This law fully reflects the importance of mentality to life.

People who like to outwardly attribute everything and do not know how to introspection are always full of anger and complaints, and these negative emotions will greatly limit his promotion. And will only let themselves fall into a vicious circle of getting worse and worse. Knowing internal attribution and knowing how to find reasons from themselves is the real sense of growth thinking. Which will make you become more and more perfect and more and more powerful.

2. Learn to listen

Learning to listen is a basic skill and social attitude that a social person should have. It not only makes the speaker feel respected and recognized. But also can recognize their own strengths and weaknesses and find their own shortcomings from the views or opinions of others. But what stops us from being a good listener is our inner bias. Unnecessary emotional and unwillingness to “let go” of ourselves. Only by letting go of these and opening ourselves can we truly open our ears to richer and more meaningful sounds.CXO UNION-CXO联盟（cxounion.cn）

3. Empty cup mentality

Empty cup mentality is also a noun in psychology, that is, in order to continue to progress. We must first turn ourselves into “an empty cup”, rather than a long-term “complacent” state. So that it is not loaded into any new things. Empty cup mentality is not to deny the past, but to mind empty, put down the attitude, face new things, adapt to the new environment, acquire new knowledge. Otherwise, even if they have some material, it is difficult to have great development. And Lin Zexu said that “the heart is high and the spirit is proud. And the knowledge is not helpful”, which is exactly what he meant.

Different opinions, habitually make negative thinking, also known as “red light thinking”. If we are not willing to be stopped by the red light on the road. Our thinking should also be out of the “habitual refutation, do not approve of the bar” serious limitations, listen to the clear, get rid of complacency, in order to let us have real meaning of progress and promotion.CXO UNION-CXO联盟（cxounion.cn）

本文由CXO UNION-CXO联盟（cxounion.cn）转载而成，来源于技术领导力，作者：Mr.K；编辑/翻译：CXO UNIONCXO联盟小宁檬。

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